Yea, no.
Today sucked.
Welcome back from vacation Master. Let me stress You out! Yea...........awesome. (Sense the sarcasm?)
The morning started off out pretty good. Glad He was back. 'Course seems like i had some sort of an issue right off the bat. No "Hey how was your vacation Master? Did You have a fantastic time? Tell me all about it."
Well maybe not an issue, more like needy. i told Him i missed Him and that i needed Him. He told me He knows i do. Day continued. Morning continued. Before lunch i told Him about a piece of jewelry that i had repaired by an ex boyfriend. The one who i was abused by. Why did i have it repaired? Maybe it was out of habit. i wore it for 7 years. A long time. i guess i missed it. Symbolically it feels to me as if i belong to someone. Maybe i wanted to belong to Master, physically.
He was away and i had a physical weekend with someone that was not Him.
It was a hard mental weekend after being hung and whipped. i tried to hide some of my feelings from Oliver because i thought that maybe Master should be the only one for me to release them too. Maybe i'm wrong.
The experience was very good. i enjoyed it and would like to do it more, and again. But....i thought Master would be the only one who would know how to comfort me. So i held back my emotion. Guess it built up over the 2 days that Master was unavailable. Didn't know it was happening. So when He became available to me, i became very needy.
But.......the needy has been building up a lot and for a long time. The needy and the dependency.
Here's the thing.
Master and i both wanted "more". He wanted more control and i wanted to give it to Him. Anything. Everything.
So the more i gave Him, the more needy and dependent i became. i became a "weakling". Someone who could make no decision on her own. Someone, who even knew what decision her Master would want, still didn't make that decision on her own because she thought her Master wanted to do that for her. She acted like a "weakling" because she thought that's the kind of control He wanted.
Turns out i was wrong. Turns out i may loose Him over it.
i know i became too needy and very dependent on Him, and that is exactly not what He wanted, or wants. He wants me to "be independent and strong". Not what i became.
i've made a mistake.
Here's the thing that maybe i don't understand. He wants more control and i want Him to have it, so how do i be strong and independent and give him the independence and the strength He wants me to have? Oxymoron?
So on top of some of the conversation that we had today, He said that maybe Oliver should perhaps be involved more. He was very broad on describing what, and that really made me upset and confused, as well as scared.
When Master said something about giving Oliver "something", i immediately got upset. i mean i didn't "sign up" for that. i signed up for Him.
After thinking things through and talking to some friends and rereading what Master had said, i feel better. i know that Master will always do best by me and i shouldn't have done what i did. Shouldn't have reacted like i did.
So, at the end of the day, and after a very long run, a lesson has been learned. Part of a relationship right? Granted i may have seriously stressed Him out and f'ed everything up, but still, i learned something. So going forward, i know.
i will always know He will always be one of the best. A great man this one.................
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